This says bitch 19 times.

Life’s a bitch

Please excuse me for my language

But life’s a bitch to me

Life’s a bitch to you

I never knew how perfect

How perfect my life was

Riches, Beauty, Friends

Until I met pain

Shook hands with despair

Kissed defeat on the cheek

And slipped regret the tongue

And when I finally stoop up

My boots were untied

My hair was ruffled

And I realized

Life is a bitch

Life’s that bitch

That brings home

Your high brother

Your drunk brother

Gives it a desperate hug

And whispers beggangly

We love you more

Than them

Life’s that bitch

Who calls to announce

She’s dead

At 7:52

Without out bothering to check

Her vitals

Life’s that bitch

Who knocks on your door

Holds a gun to his head

Demands a hundred million

And declares he must cut

All loose ends

You’re a loose end

Life’s that bitch

Who paves the rest of your life

With 43 steps to the bathroom

Where it forces you to throw up

And doesn’t even bother to hold

Your hair

Life’s that bitch

Who cuts open your stomach

Lays your intestines on the table

And leaves a friendly reminder

You will never be the same again

Like you didn’t already know

Through the scars

Life’s that bitch

Who asks

How do you feel?

Over and over

And over

Expecting some miracle

While taking away

Every single angel

That could possibly perform one

Life’s that bitch

That takes off its cowboy boots

Catapults them toward your face

Gives the look of shattering disappointment

And gives you permission to cry

Exactly 3 tears

Life’s that bitch

Who makes you fall in love

Then decides

It no longer feels

The same way

And leaves you wondering

If it was just trying

To get in your pants

Life’s that bitch

That cripples you

Desensitizes you

And leaves you so numb

That the venom it delivers

No longer changes

The expression

On your face

(But you.)

YOU are not

You’re not and I chose you

I chose you before I knew of your suffering

Before I knew of your strength

And my bitchy life

Ain’t so bitchy

Because I still have it all

And it’s pretty bitchin’

Compared to you

You have nothing

(But me.)

You’ll always have me

Because life’s always a bitch

And this is our life

So this is the story

That isn’t a story

Because life IS a bitch

But we’re not alone

And hey, life’s still a bitch

But at least

We’re alive

I remember so much more.

I remember coloring on the wall behind the green couch with old crayons. That is when I got my first kiss. He name was Marcus and he was asian. We were 4.
I  remember going to the store with her tired eyes and buying 10 gallons of 2% milk 3 times a week.
I remember the day he threw my cat off the deck. It never came back.
I remember getting attacked by a swan. I was 3. You were getting your graduation pictures taken, but you didn't actually graduate.
I remember the warm blankets from all the hospital stays.
I remember the day the dog swallowed a knife and died. I cried at school. They took my to the only cold drinking fountain.
I remember the first bra she bought me. It was purple and polka dotted. I was sitting on the stairs.
I remember when he was born and being called out of second grade computer class to be told that I was an aunt at 7 years old.
I remember when I fell in love with you. We were driving home from Smiths. You made a dry comment about the cookies tasting like crackers.
I remember the first time I ever doubted God.
I remember when she died and I cried at the foot her bed, holding her cold hand, for hours.
I remember the first time we cuddled and my dad walked in so you gave me a nougie and we started wrestling.
I remember Flintstone Gummy vitamins.
I remember my first sex talk. I was 9. It was my birthday. It was the first time in my life all my siblings were gone from the house and I was alone with my parents.
I remember sitting in the police station for 5 hours. I remember the detective and his mustache. I remember the swivel chair and the only magazine.
I remember when he held me close and gave me a hard kiss on the lips. He cried. He thanked me for saving their lives. We were standing by the refrigerator.
I remember the first time I swore. I said hell. We were in Lake Powell. I tried to convince you I was talking about the weather.
I remember the first time I lied. It was her Birthday and we went to the Fun Dome.
I remember when I saw you cry because of all the shit our brothers were pulling. Nobody noticed but me.
I remember answering the door and letting the police in. It was normal occurrence. Another mailbox had been blown up.
I remember when he walked home from rehab. He had crazy eyes and crazy ideas. And I was the only one who accepted him.
I remember stepping on the scattered action figures. It stopped hurting by the time I was 4.
I remember my first rated R movie.

I remember when he was born and he couldn't breathe and no one would tell me what was going on.
I remember the first time I said the F word in my head. I was mowing the lawn. I remember the first time I said it out loud. I remember being pissed.
I remember asking who he was when he came home. You told me he was our brother.

I remember peeing in the corner of my room because I wanted to be a dog.

This is a box

This is a box.
This is a box and I haven't told you about it.
Can you smell it? It smells like spray paint.
It's silver and red and blue and black and there are sparkles.
I liked when I spray painted it because the glitter exploded in the air.
I felt like I was in wonderland.
I liked when I spray painted it because I was just in a sports bra and the breeze smelled like summer.
My dad walked outside and gave me the how are you my offspring look? then walked away.

This is a box.
It says I don't care.
It says Been a million years full of fears but I found my girl.
It has a stencil of Jackie Chan on it. It turned out on really cool so I laughed. We need to make those shirts soon. Except I don't remember your asian name, do you?

This is a box.
This is a box and you don't know about it.
It's not like I didn't want to know.
It just hasn't come up.

In normal conversation I don't say THIS IS A BOX!

But this is a box.
It's full of things that mean nothing to anyone. Nothing to me, nothing to you. But everything to us.

This is a box.
And I might just burn it one day.

Pretend pretend pretend

I wake up. Each layer of make up and lotion adds on. Cover up, eye shadow, liner, mascara, powder, blush, leg cream, body lotion, perfume. Not a lot, but just enough. I still look like me, just not the real me. I put the rich alpine girl mask on.

I walk out. I say good morning, I say amen, I say goodbye. I smile through tired eyes, give a kiss on the cheek. I put on the perfect daughter mask on.

I get into my car, turn my music up. For the first time, I breathe. 

I walk into class. I put my head up, shoulders back, and my music on. I don't talk to anyone in the hall. I raise my eyebrows in acknowledgment to anyone that says hello. I talk to my teachers. I smile to some. I make sarcastic comments. I do as little as possible to get a perfect report card. I'm quiet if I want. I'm funny when I want. I make friends when I want to. I am girly when I need to be girly. I'm annoying when I need to be annoying. I'm happy if I have to be happy. I put the perfect student mask on. I put the perfect friend mask on. I put the perfect teenager mask on.


And this is how to pretend. 
This is how to get through high school.
This is pretend
Pretend
Pretend